


Heart On Your Sleeve

by gracedameron



Series: One of Us [5]
Category: Newsies - All Media Types, Newsies!: the Musical - Fierstein/Menken
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Hurt/Comfort, I don't know how to tag it because theres no homophobia just like gay fear?, M/M, Mild Angst, Spot's dealing with his feelings and past, and Race is the actual sweetest about it, anyway they make out in a car so enjoy it, it's a very specific LGBT thing to feel, this is v gay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-25
Updated: 2018-03-25
Packaged: 2019-04-08 01:46:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,183
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14094342
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gracedameron/pseuds/gracedameron
Summary: Spot gets nervous about being in his old neighborhood in Brooklyn with his boyfriend. Race helps him feel better.





	Heart On Your Sleeve

**Author's Note:**

> This fits in my One of Us AU, somewhere during their Junior year of college, probably. Spot and Race have been dating for a little under a year at this point. :)

*

Spot gripped Race’s hand a little tighter as they walked down the streets of Spot’s old neighborhood in Brooklyn. Spot hated being back here. He felt so many memories flooding back to him, of who he used to be and the things he used to do and the people he used to be with. They weren’t good memories. Brooklyn was a beautiful city, one that Spot loved deeply. He and Race went to downtown Brooklyn dozens of times, went to the park and to the docks and all of Spot’s favorite restaurants, they made great memories there. But this was different. This was his neighborhood. And his neighborhood in Brooklyn was only about survival. His neighborhood was police sirens and black eyes and scraped knees. His neighborhood was cheating and stealing and anger and hate. 

Spot was currently the happiest he’d ever been in his life. So being back here, with the person who made him happier than anyone else in the world, felt so incredibly  _ wrong _ . 

His neighborhood felt like judgement. He could feel people watching him. He still walked like he owned these streets, but holding the hand of a lanky blonde boy who looked about as out of place as they come in a ghetto deep in the worst part of Brooklyn made them both stick out like sore thumbs. Spot didn’t loosen his grip. He ignored the fear in his chest, he ignored the fight or flight instincts that surfaced just by being there, he ignored his heart forcing its way into his throat, and he squeezed Race’s hand. He just had to kill a few hours while he waited for his car to get fixed. They could kill a few hours. He really would rather get his car fixed back in Manhattan, but he couldn’t afford anywhere that wasn’t the garage he worked at in high school and got his car fixed for free at. 

But Spot couldn’t calm down. His heart was thudding in his chest and he flinched at every car horn, every shout down the street, every door slam. Spot wondered if this is what Race felt like when he got anxious. Did he have anxiety? Was this anxiety? 

“You okay?” Race asked, glancing to his boyfriend as Spot’s pace quickened. 

“Hmm?” Spot blinked. “Yeah. Fine. Why?” He asked too quickly and Race narrowed his eyes a little. 

Race shrugged. “You seem...jittery.” 

Spot shook his head. He really wished he didn’t feel like throwing up. “Nah, I’m good.”

Race didn’t question, but watched Spot warily as they continued walking. After a few more blocks, Race stopped. 

“Please talk to me.” Race insisted. “I...I can practically  _ hear _ your heart poundin’.” 

“You can?” Spot’s voice was an octave higher than normal. 

Race nodded, forehead creased with worry. “What’s the matter baby?” he asked quietly, letting go of Spot’s hand and putting one gentle hand on Spot’s back. Race’s worry grew as he saw the panic growing in Spot’s eyes. “You’re freakin’ out on me.”

Spot shook his head, closing his eyes as he leaned forward and rested his forehead against Race’s chest. “I just need’a second.”

Race nodded, gently wrapping his arms around Spot, frowning to feel his heart pounding in his ribcage. 

“I don’t know what’sa matter.” Spot ground out between clenched teeth, “I can’t...I can’t catch m’ breath.”

Race rubbed his back. “It’s okay,” he offered, “Breathe nice ‘n slow. I’m right here.” 

Spot took deep breaths, wrapping his shaking hands around Race’s waist. 

“You wanna talk ‘bout it?” Race offered, and Spot shrugged. 

“I ain’t upset. I dunno what’s wrong.” he admitted after a few seconds, finally breathing a little easier. “Ain’t nothin’ the matter.” 

“You sure?” Race asked, holding his boyfriend tight. 

“Yeah.” Spot took a deep breath and sighed, nodding in confirmation. “Yeah. ‘m sorry.” 

Race shook his head. “Don’t be sorry.” he gently ran a hand down Spot’s bicep. “I just wanna make sure you’s okay.” 

“‘m fine. I..” he shook his head. “I freaked out ‘bout bein’ here. I dunno why.” 

Race nodded in understanding. “It’s okay.” 

“No,” Spot looked away, kicking at a rock on the sidewalk at his feet. “It ain’t okay. I don’t like bein’ back here. I love Brooklyn but I don’t like it  _ here _ , in this neighbo’hood, on these streets ‘n stuff. I…” he shook his head. “The guy I is here ain’t the guy you’s datin’, Anthony. An’ I don’t like it.” 

Race’s worried expression melted. “You  _ is _ the guy I’m datin’. All’a you. Hood backgroun’ included.” 

Spot shook his head. “No, no. Bein’ here is like...like bein’ back to who I used’ta be. An’ I ain’t him no more. But these people, they don’ know that, Racer. They think ‘m still the kid I was.” 

Race thought a second, gently removing his hand from Spot’s arm. “Is this ‘cuz we was holdin’ hands?” he asked quietly, not accusing or disappointed, just curious. 

Spot shook his head firmly. “You know I don’t care ‘bout that. I ain’t got no shame in datin’ you, Tony.” 

Race nodded. “I know you’s don’t. But it’s okay if you’s scared’a other people not likin’ it. It’s scary. ‘specially back here, where you’s suppos’d ta be someone else.” 

Spot didn’t want to admit that Race was probably right. That made sense. Holding Race’s hand made Spot feel exposed in a way he’d never felt before. It wasn’t that he was embarrassed...he was  _ scared _ . Wearing his heart on his sleeve, even just by holding his boyfriend’s hand, was dangerous here. And even though it was the middle of the day and there was no imminent danger and they were keeping to themselves, deep down, Spot associated his neighborhood with violence and his instincts wanted to protect his boyfriend and himself. 

“We don’t gotta hold hands,” Race offered carefully, “It ain’t gonna hurt my feelin’s. I don’t wanna make ya upset, Sean.” 

Spot’s eyes flashed a little with emotion at Race using his real name instead of his nickname. Race was being so kind about this, so understanding and not judging him for being so unexplainably upset. He wanted more than anything to keep holding Race’s hand and carry on down the street like nothing happened. He wanted the confidence and anonymity he had walking down the street in Manhattan or the nicer parts of Brooklyn, where no one gave them a second glance. He was able to do what he wanted and wasn’t made to feel like he was different. He could forget who he used to be and thrive in who he was now. Here, he couldn’t do that.

“It ain’t you,” Spot said quietly, swallowing his mounting emotions. “I promise ya, it’s defin’tly me an’ my fault.” 

Race glanced around briefly before he pressed a kiss to Spot’s lips. “Ain’t nobody blamin’ no one. Ya car’ll be ready in a few hours an’ we can talk ‘bout it more when we ain’t here. Okay?” 

Spot nodded gratefully. Damn, he adored this boy. 

“‘kay. Thanks, Racer.” 

Race nodded. “You gotta tell me these kind’a things, or I can’t help.” 

Spot sighed a little. “I know. I’m tryin’.” 

Race smiled. “I know you is. It’s okay, Spotty. You wanna get coffee or somethin’?” 

Spot appreciated the change of topic and nodded again, leading the way to a diner down the block. “Sure. I know a place.” 

*

That afternoon, after Spot and Race got lunch and killed another hour walking around, they picked up Spot’s car and hightailed it out of the ghetto neighborhood where Spot grew up and into the nicer area of downtown Brooklyn. Spot heaved a sigh of relief as soon as he was out of his neighborhood, visibly relaxing. 

“You okay?” Race asked gently. He’d made a point to keep Spot distracted all day, making jokes to keep him laughing and his mind off his nerves. 

“Yeah.” Spot said with a nod. He reached over for Race’s hand, squeezing it tight before bringing it up to his lips in a kiss. “‘m so sorry, Racer. I dunno why I got so’s upset.” 

Race shrugged, rubbing his thumb across the back of Spot’s hand lightly. “It’s okay, Spotty. Whatcha said made sense. Wasn’t the most friendly place.”

Spot nodded. The silence between them that was typically comfortable was a little tenser than usual as Spot tried to find the words to say.

“I…” he swallowed, keeping his eyes on the road ahead of him as he navigated the downtown traffic. “I need ya to know that I ain’t embarrassed or nothin’ to be with ya. It ain’t that at all. I don’t wantcha thinkin’ for a second that I’s anythin’ but proud ta be your boyfriend.” 

Race smiled lovingly. He let go of Spot’s hand and gently put his hand on Spot’s cheek, brushing his thumb across it lightly. 

“I know. I didn’t think nothin’ like that, I promise.” 

“You’s sure?” Spot didn’t sound convinced, wincing. 

“I’m sure.” Race let his hand rest on Spot’s shoulder as he drove. “Sometimes it don’t matter how comfy we are, or how lil we care ‘bout anyone else an’ what they think’a us. Today was ‘bout bein’ safe. You’s got upset ‘cuz you knew it wan’nt safe. That’s okay.” 

“I feel stupid.” Spot admitted. “I ain’t never felt like that b‘fore.” 

“Scared like that?” 

Spot nodded. It was a very different type of fear than anything he’d felt before, and he was really trying not to think about it. Spot had been afraid before, but never from such a vulnerable place. 

“Yeah.” Race sighed a little. “It don’t get easier. Fair warnin’.”

Spot sighed a little too. “Great.” 

“But we’s in it together,” Race offered, running a gentle hand down Spot’s strong arm. “An’ if ya ever feel nervous like that again, you can tell me ‘bout it.” 

Spot nodded. “You feel that nervous?” he asked carefully after a second. 

Race shrugged a little. “Sometimes. I’s gotten a lot better. Before I was out, I was crazy nervous and scared all the time. I know it’s diff’rent for you, an’ that’s okay, but I know havin’ you with me makes me feel better.”

Spot gave his boyfriend a smile. “You make me feel better too.” he said genuinely. “An’ I don’t norm’lly feel like that. I think it’s just where we was today.” 

“Yeah.” Race agreed. “I get ya, babe. We don’t gotta talk ‘bout it no more if you don’t wanna.”

“Can we just...go get dinner someplace? An’ pretend like today neva’ happened?” 

“Absolutely.” Race said cheerily, pecking a kiss to Spot’s cheek.

Spot smiled as he expertly parallel parked his newly repaired car and turned to his boyfriend, grabbing his shoulder to pull him closer and kiss his lips. Race smiled before kissing back, surprised as Spot took the lead, running one hand lightly down the back of Race’s neck as they kissed, making him shiver. Spot kissed him harder, grip tight but gentle on Race’s neck. His kisses moved from Race’s lips to his ear, and then down to his neck. Race moaned a little with pleasure and raked one hand through Spot’s hair, grinning as Spot kissed his neck harder. Spot gently shifted Race in his seat so he could grab him closer, Race’s arms sliding around Spot’s neck as they leaned into each other and their lips met again and again.

Both boys were out of breath when Spot relaxed against his boyfriend’s shoulder, both of them with silly grins still on their faces. 

“I love you,” Spot breathed, and Race’s body stilled as he processed those words. 

He was a lovey person, and platonically told his friends how much he loved them pretty often. He’d also told Spot, fairly often, how much he loved being his boyfriend and more importantly, his  _ best _ friend. But Spot reserved that “I love you”, and had never said it outloud before. He’d never even said it in text messages before, playing off Race’s shows of affection or returning them with a “I care about you too”, or a heart emoji, which to Spot, was pretty much the same as an “i love you”. 

“You do?” Race whispered, and Spot gave him a funny look. 

“Yeah. I just said so, didn’t I?” 

Race giggled a little and fought emotion for a second before he grabbed Spot in a tight hug and kissed his lips again. 

“I love you too,” Race said between kisses, making Spot smile. “So damn much.” 

Spot kissed Race back with an intensity that made Race swoon. After getting lost in a series of kisses that were so hard they left both boys with bruises, Spot finally unlocked the car door and got out, Race meeting him in the front of the car. Race wrapped his arms around Spot tightly, kissing him one more time, making Spot laugh. 

“Say it again.” Race said with a grin, and Spot rolled his eyes playfully, placing his hands on Race’s waist.

“I love you, Anthony Higgins.” 

Race beamed. “I love you too, Sean Conlon.” 

*

**Author's Note:**

> this is 100% me self inserting but I figured it's fairly accurate to how the boys might be feeling in this sort of situation. Spot especially is still very new to his sexuality and dating a guy and he's figuring it all out. Race, being the absolute sweetheart that he is, is there to help him through it <3 
> 
> tune into I Like Me Better (sequel to One of Us) to follow along on Spot's sexuality discovery journey!
> 
> find me on tumblr! @gracetrack-higgins
> 
> and as always, I'd love to hear your thoughts!!


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